I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
