New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
