I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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