You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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