she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
