Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
