what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
