hotel room ftw
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
