Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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