Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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