Umm I'm too high to move.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
