Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
