He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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