if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
