So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
