I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
