you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
