you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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