I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
