i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
