wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
