The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
