Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
