Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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