Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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