Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
