I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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