What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
