how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
