You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
