I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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