the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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