I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
