Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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