i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
