My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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