Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
