Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
