i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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