If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
