We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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