he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
