I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
