i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
