god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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