Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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