she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
