I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
