We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
