i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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