You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
